Thursday, January 28, 2010

Not Back To School Day

Yesterday was the first official school day here in Australia, so of course we enjoyed it as any Aussie home educating family should, by spending a day at the beach with friends!

Only a small group, I think the beginning of the year has come around much more quickly than most of us were ready for. But really it doesn't matter how many friends you spend the day with, it is always fun.

C had a fantastic time, as he always does. He is such a little explorer, loves investigating everything and making sure that he never misses out on anything that the big kids are getting into. He'd just had his belly full of watermelon before this photo, hence the pale pink face.

B certainly loved seeing his friends and is more than happy to be back into the swing of things with our homeschool group.

In the far corner of the 'inlet' where we spent the morning was an extremely deep body of water (I didn't realise how deep it was until the tide had gone out) however it was also covered in seaweed. Not that really gross seaweed that floats around and freaks you out when it rubs against your legs. Everyone spent a considerable amount of time exploring the seaweed and wondering what creatures may live there, hiding amongst the weeds.

As the tide retreated the hunt began, the hunt for solider crabs and we weren't disappointed, that's for sure. They are the fastest little critters and can hear you coming some distance away. The kids would be on one side of the 'pool' when someone would yell, "Crabs", everyone would make a mad dash to the other side of the pool where literally hundreds of them were scurrying here, there and everywhere. Most found there way under ground but the odd one got scooped up into buckets for closer inspection.

I was so impressed when I heard B remind everyone that they needed to let their crabs go, he didn't need reminding at all that they really belong below the wet sand and not in their buckets.

The highlight of K's day was finding some type of sea snail, she was so excited, we've never found a creature like that at the sea before so it certainly was interesting.

Since mummy forgot our boogie boards, K borrowed one and had a fabulous time kicking and splashing around in the water. Her confidence this summer in the water has grown tremendously and it really shows.

Now what a perfect spot! Here's a few of the mums (the others are off to the side a little) We had that shade the entire time we were there and apart from the odd adult we had the entire beach to ourselves. Cool breezes and lots of shade right there on the beach (when at home it was a stifling 34 degrees) meant no one wanted to leave.

I couldn't think of a better way to spend our first day of the school year.

Friday, January 22, 2010

2010 Curriculum, Thoughts and Plans

Well it’s that time of year again, time to get organised for the beginning of a new school year.

We have lots of new Montessori Materials that we are all excited about using. I’ve been printing and reading my new Teacher Manuals that I got from Montessori R & D. Gee those little Monti kids are definitely streets ahead of public school kids aren’t they. We have no rush and are just going to enjoy the materials, as I know the kids will.

B especially will get a quick overview of all of the basics so that he can move ahead with the Montessori curriculum, K will fit more nicely into the 3 – 6 program and little C is the perfect age to get some real Tot School fun happening.

So even though we are going into Montessori in a big way this year I never utilise just one curriculum and/or one school of thought. I still believe in using the best of everything available and when I say best, I mean the best things that work for us. After 2 and a half years at this (and finally listening to myself and my kids, instead of everyone else) I can say that we are actually starting to get there with what works and what doesn’t.

For the most part it will be flexible, with lots of choice available for the children. We will have two main areas that we will spend our time in when at home (apart from the back yard). Our Montessori room and our ‘messy’ room (the garage), where things like science experiments and art and crafts will be completed. The messy room will still be set up in much the same way as a Montessori space, with activities set out ready to go, but allowing the children to make their choice on any given day.

B and I have been talking considerably about choosing work that is appropriate and at times even challenging for him. Last year he opted on the side of always choosing the easy stuff and things that were far below him, which granted from time to time is ok but not with each and every choice he makes from the shelf. So that is one area I will need to monitor closely.

We will also continue with a small amount of bookwork, this is, I admit mainly to satisfy me and my worries of showing what the kids actually do with their time. Even though I know that they learn more from everything else we do, but I am not prepared to give up on bookwork all together. I am big believer in everything in moderation.

I don’t make resolutions but there are a few things that I really want to do more of this year.

  • Spend time in Nature: I hope to do this weekly and not just park visits either. I know this won’t happen every week, but I am scheduling more time in nature. Ideally I really would like for us all to start Nature Journals, (we have done so before but never filled more than a few pages) but I’m not going to force that. Being in nature is more important than the journaling of it, so if it happens it happens. I have been considering joining one of the Nature McLinkys but dearly would love something Australian if anyone knows of anything please point me in the right direction.
  • Spend more time Cooking: With the kids I mean. Even if it is only cookies, spending more time together in the kitchen is a priority.
  • Spend more time Reading: We do read aloud every day but again I’d like to increase how much reading aloud we actually achieve in a week. I may even consider keeping a log of sorts to monitor how we are going.
  • Circle Time: Well as close as you can get with 3 children. But I love reading how other families have that time together at the start of the day and am working on what I would like to include in our Circle Time. I think I will need to start off slowly and add in more as the routine gets set in place. I think it will ground us though, give us that together and the children will know exactly what is coming up for the day.
  • Chores and Responsibility: I am working on a ‘What Next Chart’ so everyone knows what is happening in our day. I don’t do schedules, they just don’t work for us and I don’t want to be tied to a schedule anyway. However having a basic plan for the day should hopefully make our day run more smoothly. The What Next Chart will also include chores, now that they are 8 and 5 I think the time has come for the children to be more productive around the house (without overloading them with household duties).
So those are my main ‘goals’ for the year and even if I only achieve half it will still be an improvement on last year. What’s the saying, Aim for the stars and you may just hit the moon.

We will also be continuing on with our fabulous Homeschool Group and the extra curricular activities that the kids get involved with there. We love our friends and the social aspect of the group is an integral part of our homeschool. For the beginning part of the year the kids are doing:

Mixed Sports
Gymnastics (very excited about this)
Art Classes

These are weekly classes (all held on the one day) and this time around we have roughly 30 children participating in some way or another.

Once a month we also have:

Book Club
Bunnings (think Home Depot) Workshop
Art Gallery Workshops
Playground and Swimming Meet ups

These are a lot of fun and all free, which is a bonus.

We are also aiming to have more quiet one on one (as in one other family) play dates, as soon as our ‘messy room’ is functioning well I will start to put those in place. It is the one on one time where true friendships are made, well in my opinion anyway.

I will post in more depth on each of these areas as I get underway with them, with pictures and more details, and I’ll probably even have some questions for you.

Looking at the Curriculum side of things for 2010 has been fairly straight forward. We don’t do grade levels, but roughly B is doing Grade 3, K is in Prep (kindergarten in the US) and C will turn 2 halfway through the year so lots of Tot School fun for him and lots of mess….hence the implementation of the ‘messy room’.

I’m going to break down what we plan on using for each level, more for me than anything else.

2010 Curriculum, Plans & Thoughts for B (turns 9 in October)


Qld Targeting Maths Year 3
Math U See Finishing Alpha, Beginning Beta
Various Math Software Titles
Math Living Books
Montessori Math Manipulatives

Language Arts

Fitzroy Reading Program (continuation)
Explode The Code (continuation)
Various Software Titles
Montessori Language
Journaling: Book Journals, Poetry Journaling (also copywork) Nature Journal
Creative Writing: Write Shop


Various Science Kits we have on hand
Nature and Nature Journaling


Story of the World: we are restarting this, unfortunately with a baby in the house history got put on the back burner last year. We just weren’t getting to it enough so I decided to shelve it all together. Even if all we do is use it as a read aloud/read alone it will still be far more history than B would get in a public school environment.


Montessori: I love their geography materials and again they offer so much more than what the average child learns in geography. I think B will really enjoy the Montessori geography materials as he loves map work.


Momma Snail is creating an online ‘work at your pace’ course for homeschool kids that I plan on introducing B to this year.

Human Society and its Environment

Nature Journaling, Montessori Cultural work and I have plans to begin a Comparative Religion study (brief overviews) but after writing all of this out, wow I’m beginning to wonder where we are going to find the time!

The Arts

Art Classes with Homeschool Group, Montessori Artist Study, Free Access to art supplies and more structured activities in the ‘messy room’. He has been talking about learning an instrument, tossing up between guitar and keyboard, but I need to find someone to come to the house. We also always get to a few productions throughout the year and will continue doing that. Drama has also been on the list of things to try.

Personal Development, Health & Physical Education

Mixed Sports and Gym with homeschool group. Soccer starts at the end of term 1 also. There is always lots of free time spent playing outside or at a playground. B will also be working on more responsibilities around the home, including care of oneself and one’s belongings. We also aim to attend the annual homeschoolers sports day that a nearby group organises each year and our own group is hoping to organise our very first camp this year, which is very exciting.

We also enjoy putting together lapbooks, they are a great way to showcase the learning experiences that we have taken together. In the past we have enjoyed the Before Five In A Row series as well and although we really could not possibly fit another thing in I am considering looking at FIAR to do during the holiday breaks as this would also encompass our lapbooks in some way shape or form. If only you could do it all!!!

B is slightly behind his schooled peers with his reading as we have taken a very stress free, work at his pace approach to reading. That doesn’t mean that we haven’t been working on reading we have, but we DO NOT move ahead until he is ready, even if that means staying in the one place for weeks, or taking breaks where needed. I know at school he would be attending some kind of reading recovery program and I just shudder to even think of that. How awful for any child, not only are they struggling with reading they are also removed from the class for extra reading practice.

No thanks!

Thank goodness we have all the time in the world for this. I want a son that loves to read not one that was forced to learn and finds reading a chore. We have already started back with small amounts of school work (I like to ease the kids back into it after a big break) and I was pleasantly surprised at his fluency, he will be moving ahead another level come the first week back of official school.

If you follow my blog you will probably also notice that the Montessori works that are made available for him will be beneath his years, in terms of how Montessori place the children. In one part this will only be for a short time, as he becomes familiar with the materials and on the other there are many components of Montessori that are streets ahead of public schools, Geography is one example of that. I don’t think I even know a 3rd grade child here in Australia that has done even half of the Geography work that a Montessori 3 – 6 classroom does. The more I look, read, handle and play with the materials myself the more I know the children are going to flourish.

2010 Curriculum, Plans & Thoughts for K ( 5 turns 6 in July)

I had slowly eased K into ‘school time’ last year so she is well aware of what is expected of her this year. Even though she is only doing Prep, I think she is ready for more, however she is the sort of child that will not be pushed into anything and so again this is where I feel that the Montessori components of her work will really allow her to move ahead in leaps and bounds. I also do not need to meet all of the KLA’s until K is 6 and 3 months but I have still listed them so that I can come back and read this at anytime if need be.


Singapore Preschool Math (continuation)
Montessori 3 – 6 Math
Math U See Primer (I’m not actually sure if I will use this but I have it if needed)
Various Math Software Titles
Math Living Books

Language Arts

Montessori 3 – 6 Language Program
Reading Eggs Software
Explode The Code (will begin Book 1 when can read initial cvc words)
Journaling: Book Journals, Poetry Journaling (also copywork) Nature Journal (these will mainly be picture journals with some scribing by mum)
Creative Writing: Write Shop (she is on the lower end of the age bracket for this but it is a very gentle program and she loves to make up stories so I am going to give it a go with her)


Montessori 3 – 6 Science
Various Science Kits we have on hand
Nature and Nature Journaling


Story of the World: (see B’s note above) She will sit in on this read aloud but I will not require any more from her unless she wishes to.


Montessori 3 – 6 Geography


Mostly from life, basic computer use, building and constructing with Lego and recycling, things like that.

Human Society and its Environment

Nature Journaling, Montessori Cultural work and if we do make a start on our Comparative Religion study (brief overviews) she will sit in on that.

The Arts

Art Classes with Homeschool Group, Montessori Artist Study, Free Access to art supplies and more structured activities in the ‘messy room’. I plan on setting up Mister Maker type activities and taking ideas from the Usborne Art Books for Kids. We also always get to a few productions throughout the year and will continue doing that. For example she is off seeing her first ballet production as I type with her Grandma. Drama has also been on the list of things to try.

Personal Development, Health & Physical Education

Gym with homeschool group. K is also very active outdoors and spends a great deal of her free time on the trampoline, climbing frame and swings. She has briefly mentioned that she would like to play soccer although I’m not sure how serious she is about that. K will be joining in on working on more responsibilities around the home, including care of oneself and one’s belongings. We also aim to attend the annual homeschoolers sports day that a nearby group organises each year and our own group is hoping to organise our very first camp this year, which is very exciting.

I am excited about this year with K to watch her grow and develop and see how she takes to all of the fabulous materials. She helped me unpack most of the Montessori order when it arrived and was very intrigued with everything.

2010 Curriculum, Plans & Thoughts for C ( 1 turns 2 in July)

LOL Curriculum, that’s funny!!

He will be right into Tot School and in fact the ‘Messy Room’ was inspired by him. Not because he’s messy but because I want him to have a space where he can be. Where he can do all of those things that toddlers love to do, paint, collage, play dough and just generally make a mess without messing up the house and the school room. I have already set up the art/craft studio corner but have a long way to go with the rest so photo’s on this area may be awhile away. We will still use the space it just isn’t up for ‘showing off’ just yet, if you get my drift ;-)

I also knew that there was no way I could have him with us in the Montessori Room, he is far too young to understand, don’t touch and quite frankly I don’t want to be saying that to him every second for 2 – 3 hours every day. So for now we are revolving around him and his sleep.

The mornings we are at home we will spend part of in the ‘messy room’ where C will have all of his Tot School activities and the bigger kids will have the opportunity for some free play, messy science experiments, art and crafts. After lunch, when he goes down for his nap the 3 of us will spend that time in the Montessori Room. The plan his that C will continue napping until he is 3…..yes yes I know even the best plans can fall by the wayside but at least by age 3 he will then be old enough to join us in the Montessori Room and we can all enjoy that space together. In the meantime once he becomes ready for the first materials he will use them in the ‘messy room’ or in the lounge room.

Ideally I want to start having activities prepared for C also. Not that we have to do them but if they are ready to go it is so easy for me to grab them off the shelf and get started.

I love how Mozi Esme has structured her Tot School around the Alphabet, you can read her approach here and this is something that I would like to do. Anyone got a few spare hours they could give me so I can spend some time getting organised? Pardon? Oh yeah I didn’t think so!! LOL

So that’s our year, or how it looks in my head at the moment anyway.

Did you make it this far, gee that was a lot and too think I only have 3 kids. I really take my hat off to you mummy’s with lots of kiddies running around, truly I do.

I’m going to keep this as a quick link so that I can check on it regularly, especially if we fall off the bandwagon so to speak. Although falling and still learning isn’t always such a bad thing now is it. This post will also give me the opportunity to assess part way through the year and see where we need to make any adjustments. Come the end of 2010 it will provide the opportunity for reflection.

I’m looking forward to this year, having a baby is just a gorgeous time but newborns (and under 1’s) take up so much of it (even if it is only spent staring at them and cuddling them) thatwe just didn't get through as much as I would have liked to last year.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Tot Toys: Wooden Nesting Blocks

I wanted to show you some of the great Christmas Gifts the kids got this year, some of them are really fabulous and great little finds.

Like this set of Nesting Blocks that I found at Eco Toys

These will be fabulous Tot School Activity for C and although he is limited in what he can do with them at the moment they will grow with him. B and K have been showing loads of different ways to stack and build the blocks so it will be interesting to watch him grow with these over the coming year.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

My First Blog Awards

In my absence I received my very first blogging award, in fact to my surprise I actually received 6 awards during the time I have been off line. 6! Wow, that was certainly a surprise, to go from none to 6 virtually overnight.

To be honest I have to say that I am in two minds about the whole blogging awards thing. I mean we all want to know that others enjoy our blogs etc etc but do we really need to recieve and give awards in recognition of that? On the other hand however they are just a bit of fun and I know I had a smile when I read the comments and emails letting me know that these awards had been passed on to me.

I received the Sunshine Award:

from My Bilingual Boys

The Sunshine Award is awarded to bloggers whose positivity & creativity inspires others in the blogworld!!

I can't seem to find any more details about this award than above. If anyone knows where it has originated from can you please leave a comment so I can link back.

I am passing the Sunshine Award on to the following bloggers:

1 plus 1 plus 1 equals 1 Carissa is such a creative blogger and always freely shares her creations

Homeschool Creations Jolanthe is another positive, creative blogger

My Family My Forever Susana and her kids are one creative bunch

Pink and Green Mama is one super crafty and creative mama, I love her blog

I received the Creative Online Online Award:

from Miescuelita Montessori

CreativOnline wants to reward blog friends that during the 2009. CreativOnline wants to reward friends blog that during the 2009th have been dedicated with a lot of creativity and love to share all their works. This prize should be exposed on your blog and should be delivered to 5 of your bloggy friends. have been dedicated with a lot of creativity and love to share all their works. This prize should be exposed on your blog and should be delivered to 5 of your friends Bloggy.

I am passing the Creative Online Award on to:

My Bilingual Boys

Confessions Of A Homeschooler

Aussie Pumpkin Patch

The Adventures Of Bear

Tired Need Sleep

I also received the Lemonade Stand Award from:

Chasing Marcus

My Bilingual Boys

Counting Coconuts

Crafts and Art for Children

The Lemonade Stand Award is awarded for being a blogger who shows great attitude and gratitude.

I am passing on this award to:

The Snail's Trail

Walk Beside Me

What Did We Do All Day

Work And Play Day By Day

Stuff On My Blog

All of you wonderful bloggers inspire me in some way each and every day. Keep up the great work.

I know I have also missed many wonderful blogs but this is hard when you have to sort through your reader and link list.

Happy Blogging.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Thank You

Just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone for your emails and comments. It really means alot, not that I ever posted about this experience expecting to be in so many of your prayers and to be on the receiving end of so much healing energy.

It is however a lovely feeling to know that I am and I have to say that I do think it is working. Since posting I have really felt like I am actually getting back on top of things. Life seems to be getting back to normal again, so for that thank you.

I know that I am not the first woman to go through an experience such as this and I certainly won't be the last but oh how it changes your perspective on things once you experience them for yourself.

I am looking forward to 2010 we have lots of new exciting things happening, around the house, with our homeschooling adventures and our homeschool network so it should be a fun year. I can't wait to share it all with you.

Maybe now I can start checking in on all of the things that you have been up to. I haven't visited or read a blog in ages!

Monday, January 11, 2010

One Of Life's Downs

I’ve been deliberating for days if I should actually post this or not, after all it is a very personal story an at first not one that I wanted the entire world to know about. It will however explain my absence over the past few weeks and I also think that putting pen to paper (even if I never hit the publish button) will aid in my healing process.

However if getting up close and personal on blogs is not your thing then I suggest you click the little red button up in the corner there and go find another blog to read. This is a very long winded, rambling type post (my head still isn’t in the best of places) that does include plenty of hospital ‘goriness’ if you continue, please don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Anyhow, a couple of weeks before Christmas (during an extremely hot week) I fell ill, blaming it on the extreme heat. It took me until the end of the week before the penny dropped………I was pregnant. Since this was a totally unexpected surprise, but considering that I had already had at least a week of morning sickness I figured that I was roughly 6 weeks along.

This certainly was not in our plans. After all our baby ( C ) is only 17 months and is still actively breastfeeding. Not to mention that I’ve always had a generous gap between having my babies (B is 8 and K is 5) so I was somewhat concerned to say the least with having a just 2 year old and a newborn (but plenty of others have walked that path before me).

After the initial shock wore off I was pleasantly happy. We had after all talked a few times about having 4 children. So we certainly weren’t disappointed or unhappy in anyway. How could you be with a little miracle on it’s way to be a part of our family. It was just the timing that I was most concerned about.

So off we headed on our family holiday and we had a lovely time together. The morning sickness began to subside, we told the rest of the family - they were understandably shocked with our unexpected Christmas gift to them. But plans were in motion for us to become a family of 6.

We headed home just a couple of days after Christmas when I had a slight gush of blood. Having had 3 trouble free pregnancies I knew instantly that that was not a good sign. I did however know that many women bleed during pregnancy and go on to have a healthy baby and since it was over as quickly as it began I did my best to put it out of mind.

During this time we’d also made the decision to night wean C. So he was to be now spending his nights with dad. After all I was heading off to hospital in a few months time and C needed to be able to get through the night with out me. That was sad, the first night I put him down and walked away knowing that I wouldn’t see him until the morning. Don’t get me wrong I longed for a full nights sleep (I hadn’t had one in over 20 months) but I wasn’t ready to give him up as my ‘baby’ just yet and night weaning was the 1st step in that process. It wasn’t in my plans, C was supposed to be ‘my baby’ forever. A few tears fell that night.

I woke the next morning having found that I’d had another gush of blood during the night at some stage. That was New Year’s Day. I hadn’t even been able to get to the GP for my dating scan due to the crazy time of year and doctor’s offices being closed. I thought it best that I phone the hospital and explain what was going on, they’d then point me in the right direction.

As I guessed they asked me to come straight in for a check and a scan. That was the beginning of the end. Part of me didn’t want to go the hospital because I think I already knew what was taking place and I really did not want to have to deal with it. But as you do, I kept my hopes up that all was fine.

The scan showed the ‘sack’ was an irregular shape (they are supposed to be pretty much perfectly round) and by this time I had guessed I was anywhere between 8 and 12 weeks, however the embryo didn’t appear to be much further along than about 6 weeks (if that). The sonographer basically confirmed what I already knew – a non viable pregnancy - and I was in the throws of miscarrying.

I had my bloods taken (my hormones were still quite high) as the morning sickness had returned and it was quite bad, my sense of smell was through the roof, I had never experienced that before. So according to the docs it was too soon to make a call either way ; especially since I had no idea on my dates either. So after sitting around the hospital for about 4 hours, they sent me home to rest and to return in 2 days time for more blood tests.

I was kind of numb, I knew as soon as I looked at the screen that there was nothing, there was no baby, we were not going to have this baby. What will be will be is all I kept telling myself. There’s a reason for everything, a blessing in disguise and all of that jazz. You know, all stuff that well meaning others say to you to try and make you feel better. I didn’t want to cry so I didn’t talk, didn’t really talk about it all, as I knew if I talked about it I would cry. You know before this experience I always felt that miscarrying so early in a pregnancy really wasn’t that big of a deal.

So we left the hospital to be greeted at home by B asking, “So are we having a boy or a girl?”. How do you explain this stuff to an 8 and a 5 year old. They really didn’t understand how just yesterday we were having baby and now today we weren’t. I was drained, tired and just wanted to curl up in a ball and hope that all of this was a just a bad dream. I’m sure as every woman does that has been through this there was that part of me that held a glimmer hope on what the doctor had said – it is still to early to make a call either way.

Two days passed, and light bleeding began on the day of my hospital visit, I still had lots of morning (all day) sickness. This time I waited for hours at the hospital for the blood test and the results to come back. The results were a definite answer and one that I knew was coming. The hormones had dropped considerably, we were absolutely unmistakably not having this baby. As I had already begun bleeding the doctor recommended that I just continue along that path and let things happen naturally, no need to have unnecessary surgery; I agreed. I was to come back if the bleeding got really bad or if I experienced any strong pain. That was Sunday afternoon.

Monday morning, more light bleeding and light period type pain. I’d had enough and I wanted this to be over, maybe getting out of the house for awhile was a good idea. We took a drive into the Gallery of Modern Art and the State Library, where they always have loads of fun things for the kids during school holidays. We had a really nice time, there was so much to do and see. By the time we got home that afternoon I was exhausted, that was probably around 3pm and the pain I was experiencing had begun to worsen. By 4pm I was on the lounge and not going anywhere in a hurry. By 5pm I was beginning to curl up in a ball with each cramping ‘contraction’ that was beginning to hit me every few minutes. I’d also begun passing huge amounts of blood clots but I guessed this was mostly normal. By 6pm I was experiencing unbearable pain and the blood loss was causing me great concern. I’d never heard of anything quite like the amount of blood I was losing, how could such a tiny thing (the sack was about 2.5cm across) be causing me to lose so much blood.

I got myself to the phone and called the hospital, with the doctor basically saying that it was fairly normally (well not abnormal anyway for a miscarriage, granted not everyone goes through what I was going through but it wasn’t abnormal). I was having a labour, an awful, painful, gut wrenching labour all for nothing. The doctor asked me to wait for an hour, if the bleeding and/or the pain hadn’t subsided to go in.

By 10 minutes to 7 I couldn’t take the pain anymore. Hubby phoned mum to come take care of the kids (they were becoming increasingly distressed at having to sit and watch me) and we were at the hospital by just after 7:30pm. (roughly 4.5 hours after it started) The drive was nearly unbearable, the cramps were coming every 2 – 3 minutes. I felt as though I was probably near 8cm dilated if I was full term, so totally not fun.

It took the hospital about 15 minutes to get a drip and some morphine into me but it certainly hit straight away and although the pain was still there it was bearable. Why, oh why did someone not warn me that this could happen? Never would I have opted to go through such an experience. Even at the hospital waiting for a doctor I was still passing large amounts of blood clots. Eventually that seemed to stop, the doctor felt as though I should be over ‘the worst of it’ and he did his best to ‘remove’ any of the excess clots that were still there waiting to be passed. I think we left the hospital somewhere around 10:30pm. And thought I was tired yesterday, I think I’d just lost about ½ of the blood in my body (or at least it felt that way), I could barely walk. I crawled into bed sometime after 11 and cried myself to sleep.

When I woke the following morning, all the pain had gone and the bleeding had subsided to a steady flow. My morning sickness was still as strong as ever though. I was due back at the hospital at 2pm for another scan to make sure that it really was all over. I basically spent the day on the lounge, I was ghostly white and was unable to do anything at all really.

Thank goodness dear hubby was at home on holidays, he was totally and utterly amazing through all of this and kept up with not only looking after me and the kids but also the house as well (in fact he probably did a better job than I normally do, but don’t tell him that). He’d certainly had his fair share of sitting for hours on those rock hard hospital waiting room chairs so I left him at home with the kids and mum took me for what I thought would be my final visit to the hospital and the last scan of this horrendous ordeal.

It was all still there though! Yep even after what I had gone through the afternoon/evening before my body still wouldn’t let go, after all of this I was going to have to need surgery after all. Really could anything else possibly go wrong? We waited for 3 hours in our little cubicle for the doctor to tell me to come back in the morning to have the ‘product’ surgically removed. I was absolutely petrified of going home and having another night like the last. But thankfully it was all smooth sailing, not that I really got much sleep.

I was up and at the hospital at 8am and waited until about 10:45 for my turn in the operating theatre. Even though I knew that this was all over it just didn’t feel right having the ‘baby’ removed surgically, but I knew there was no other way. The last time I was in that operating room was when I was having my c-section to bring C into this world, what a difference 18 months makes. I was in and out of the operating room in under 30 minutes all up, so a very quick procedure. The recovery room was the longest part and as I lay there, 2 beds down from where I was with C I remembered that experience. When I first held him in my arms and we all watched him make his own way from my tummy to the breast, an experience I will never forget. An experience I will never have with this baby.

And after about 90 minutes that was it, it was finally over, I could go home. Go home and get back to normal. Get back to living, move on and trudge ahead with our life all back to how it was 6 weeks ago. After all it is a blessing in disguise right, better this end than the other and there were many more responses that I heard, you know, well you never really wanted another baby anyway did you. God dammit doesn’t mean that I didn’t instantly fall in love with the little being that was growing inside me. It doesn’t mean that I had already altered all of our plans to include this child, just because we didn’t plan it this way, it doesn’t mean we didn’t want the baby.

Today is the first day (exactly one week after the awful labour experience) that I have actually done anything around the house. The first day that I have even felt remotely human. I am still very tired and I am guessing that may take some time and I am not sleeping so great either. As hard as I try every night the entire week long saga just plays over and over in my head. My heart just keeps saying you can have another baby, but I know in my head that that is not a decision to make lightly. I am grieving, I still have pregnancy hormones raging through my body, that could last another 3 weeks. Making that kind of decision any time soon would just be plain silly.

Plus I am so so scared of going through that again. Do I just count my blessings and move on? Sitting here at the moment I’m not sure I can do that. Oh yeah I am fine during the day, life happens but right now I can’t seem to remove the images from head at night. I just keep asking why, why now, why did this happen after all of this time and why if there was something wrong with the baby why did it take so long for me to miscarry, why why why???

Was it a sign just to make sure that I wouldn’t decide to have anymore children or was it telling me that I really should be having another child. How does one know what is the right decision to make. All I do know that now is not the time to making that decision.

Out of all of this god awful experience, that I would never ever wish upon anyone (and I know that many women have gone through and have never been able to have a child; I believe would be truly unbearable). Is that I have 3 gorgeous perfectly healthy children and every day I wake up to see their smiles and have their cuddles and it reminds me of how very blessed I really am.

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